We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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