Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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