I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
sarcasm needs its own font
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
