I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
