you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
