Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
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Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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