Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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