There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
