I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call