I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid