He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
