dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
