I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think my fart just growled at me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
