Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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