She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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