I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
