Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
