if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
