I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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