At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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