Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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