Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
