Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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