i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
