How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
