Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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