Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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