He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She even gives head with a lisp.
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Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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