now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
