You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
