Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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