do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Rumble strips road head = magical
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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