Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
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you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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