Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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