I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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