areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
