apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
