I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
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The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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