Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
