Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
