i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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