I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
