I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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