I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
