Texts From Last Night

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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.

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  (405): We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed. http://tfl.nu/cgfh
  Replies (40) Good night (6444) Bad night (622)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

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  (763): I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me http://tfl.nu/kago
  Replies (28) Good night (1024) Bad night (4464)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.

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  (813): Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive. http://tfl.nu/ya8a
  Replies (13) Good night (865) Bad night (3481)
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  (631): View more from New York

  There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12

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  (631): There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12 http://tfl.nu/d4y2
  Replies (27) Good night (5243) Bad night (1625)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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  (205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean. http://tfl.nu/fik0
  Replies (44) Good night (10291) Bad night (1327)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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  (586): so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat. http://tfl.nu/q1ic
  Replies (27) Good night (5333) Bad night (2070)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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  (210): Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!" http://tfl.nu/xp9i
  Replies (19) Good night (5979) Bad night (1322)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".

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  (+44): Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis". http://tfl.nu/tct7
  Replies (7) Good night (1707) Bad night (580)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

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  (610): I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness http://tfl.nu/gzkv
  Replies (6) Good night (1577) Bad night (719)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.

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  (603): NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING. http://tfl.nu/lnbz
  Replies (7) Good night (1285) Bad night (607)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?

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  (208): Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow? http://tfl.nu/sft8
  Replies (3) Good night (829) Bad night (442)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.

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  (918): I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me. http://tfl.nu/t73s
  Replies (4) Good night (566) Bad night (780)
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  (530): View more from California

  Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.

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  (530): Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery. http://tfl.nu/qyfd
  Replies (2) Good night (447) Bad night (707)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.

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  (978): My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it. http://tfl.nu/d2sy
  Replies (2) Good night (665) Bad night (407)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.

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  (425): When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately. http://tfl.nu/qs87
  Replies (1) Good night (701) Bad night (236)

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