So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
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We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.