wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
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we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
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I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.