You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
