The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
