We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
