i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
