After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
