apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
