Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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