it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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