I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
